Toe Springs!

As you may know, we just returned from a family vacation to Palm Springs.  We stayed at The same cheesy place we discovered last year...but it's our cheesy place and we love it!   After settling in, I was nicely reminded by my husband..."Isn't this where it all started?" ...referring to my toe issue.   Strangely enough, he was sorta right!  Of course the root issue didn't start at the Tuscany Manor, just one little year ago...however, that is where it became obvious that I had a problem.   I had actually forgotten about that connection and probably wouldn't have remember if Sean hadn't said something.  I acknowledged it, but tried to play it down and didn't really want to make a big deal out of it or draw any attention to it.   Only moments later to dash off into the bathroom, closing the door, grabbing the nail kit and diving right back into business! And now being reminded, it brought back those late night, early morning sessions when i would sneak off to do my probing...wounding my big piggy with every poke.  Here we are...almost a year later and  I'm really not sure if my toe(s) are any better.  I like to think that they are, but its hard to say at this point.  I still have to put hydrogen peroxide on my left one...and it seems there really is something that needs to be dealt with in the lower left corner...but I'm sure I'm not the one who should be doing it!  My hope is that next year, when we revisit this hot haven, I'll have beautiful toes again with a fresh pedicure!   (which of course will symbolize that the real stuff that's eating at me will have some good healing time under my belt as well!)

The Toe Truth & nothing but the Truth!

I must apologize for the lack of consistency...to ALL 3 of my followers!...I’ve been totally off my game and am just now able to get caught up. Since my last posting, we had Spring Break with the kids, Hosted Easter Brunch at our House, and my husband got all up in his surf board's biznak and was needed extra TLC from all of us. {For those who didn't know you can check it all out on the other blog I was inspired to create because of the incident http://www.1eyedhatfield.blogspot.com/ }

 Ok..now back to the truth.  Well, I think this picture is profoundly honest.  When asked where my daughter (who's all of 20 months old) wanted her band-aid...she was very clear with her instructions "ik mommy's toe". Great, that's just super.  She's obviously seen me applying bandages to my toe enought times to make a solid connection.  I even tryied to put it on her leg, or arm...because we were just pretending anyway...but she insisted that it be on the toe!  Yes, I get it...I see how God uses our kids to speak to us & teach us the stuff we don't even want to see. 

Truth #2:  I don't just pick on the left one.  Both of my big toes are in jepordy! 
Truth #3:  I don't totally believe it’s about anxiety. I understand it with my mind and know that it sounds good on paper but I don't feel the connections yet. Maybe because I enjoy the picking/probing process so much that it doesn't seem possible for it to be linked with something so negative. I'm doing a good thing, I’m "helping" my toe get better.... but I just believe in the old adage that it has to get worse before it gets better.... right?
Truth #4: It's also about control. (Which is totally linked to anxiety when you feel you have none!...again all of this I know in my brain but still haven't connected any real feelings to yet...it's easy for me to detach and separate my feelings from mind)
Here's a nice list of some of the things that seem to spiral out of my control:
· my weight

· my time

· my energy

· my schedule

· my spiritual growth

· did I mention my time?

· the people around me that invade my life with toxic attitudes or behaviors

Once again...I know it's not completely true - that these elements are not totally out of control - they just get exagerated from time to time because my scales are off as a whole!  Most of those items can be regulated by choices i make ...however, i do believe that the bigger point is arriving at a place of acceptance for being out of control in general and learning how to roll with the punches.  Less of me, myself & I....and more leaning on my Jesus for balance.

the Dark Side

I was too embarrassed and a bit ashamed that I had picked on my toe again. So this "negative" image is all you're going to see of the episode. I guess I have to now elaborate on the why or what would cause one to do this? The funny part (or not so funny) is that I really didn't think there was anything wrong with it or that it was that big of a deal!? I probably never would have either if it weren't for "NF" pointing out the obvious to the idiot! Wow! Isn’t it hysterical that the girl with a degree in Psych & So.Behavior, with multiple years of counseling...doesn't see this as a problem!?!

Incredible.

Now, after actually examining the pattern of behavior with an open heart and willingness to see what this might be about...I can see that it is indeed clearly linked to anxiety. If it started in my teen years....which was most certainly an anxious season of anyone's life...and then resurfaced again {at seemingly random times during my life} in my toxic 1st marriage...and now during this crazy chapter of navigating motherhood, stepmotherhood, wifehood, & educating those little hoods. Ya, I guess I’ve been a wee-bit stressed out. So there you have it, I attack my toe when I’m my world seems unmanageable. Think of my toe as the island that harbors some of the bad stuff and I am simply ridding the world of that bad stuff. I don't intend to maim it completely; I just want to get "it" out. Is that so wrong!?!

Why the toe you ask?

Well, if i'm really, truly honest with my self probing...it's been the toe for many, many, many moons ....dating back to my adolescent years. That must of been when i first discovered my toes and all the little nooks and crannies. But back then, i only accosted the little guy. My "pinkies" were the victims of my skin picking obsession. I would have NEVER in a million-bazillion years thought that this silly little facination with the widdle bits of flesh at the end of my feet had any deeper messages or indicators of another issue! Seriously, not until my Neighbor Friend (who shall go nameless...and will from here on out be refered to as NF) suggested that it could be an anxiety related disorder! wow! who knew?!? This only surfaced after sharing with her my wounded toe (of last summer) and how i had "helped it" to get into that way bad condition. She gently brought the idea up to me knowing that i was totally open to examining the other layers that might be present. Now, almost a year later and i'm starting to see the truth from that 1st exposure. The unwrapping has just begun.

an Easter Miracle!

A miracle that i found these really cute shoes while shopping with a curious/monkey toddler and a bigger miracle that i could cram my foot into this darling plaid shoes and actually walk around like a "normal"looking person and have it NOT hurt like a mother!!! oh..ya, speaking of mothers...i'm using this blog as an outlet of sorts to vent or vomit about all kinds of stuff besides my big toe...so the bottom line is = do not share this with my mom or someone that might be friends with my mother. As it is currently, i do not have a "safe" place online to share any of this crap without her seeing it, or being told about it. She's already on my friend list on facebook. Which leads me to another topic of frustration...i just can't keep up with the cyber banter that is on-going ...it's just so completely overwhelming to me! and being overwhelmed is already a steady source of anxiety in my life so i'm going to free myself of staying current with FB or any other family website idea. Plus i have such a hard time believing that you really care about what i'm doing right now? or thinking about at that moment or what my baby is doing every 5mins. Honestly, i could care less that you're "sippin' my morning coffee", or "off to the gym" ... seriously those status updates are utterly ridiculous to me (unless they are funny or somewhat sarcastic)! So with that being said, i'm going to carry on with my own ridiculousness here and continue to write about my jacked up big toe and how it's being used as a pivotal point of reflection and spring board for positive growth in my life.

held hostage

i'm laughing too hard to even write something of any substance...i mean really what could i say? i've reduced myself to photographing my big toe and blogging about it!?

Not Surprised...

it's only the second day...and i haven't really shared this with the masses, so it's not really a shocker that i don't have any followers yet. (i do know that some are watching from the safety of their screens w/out loggin in ...it's ok i know who you are!)
I'm at work today so i had to do some special riggin' to get this hurt-walker in a nice shoe! maybe i'll shoot a pic of the bandaging so you can see what is going on here. It really does hurt to have so much pressure all around it...but it's a short day. Looking forward to my regimented treatments later - 20 saline soak + hydrogen peroxide wash....also taking some antibiotics to cover the scope of possible infection that might be brewing.